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The Depot Lunch 
Counter 






HE pWt'PUBLISHING COMPANY 



_ _ 




SHOEMAKER'S 

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The Penn Publishing Company 

923 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



The Depot Lunch 
Counter 



A Farce in One Act 



BY 



FRANK DUMONT 

Author of "THE OLD NEW HAMPSHIRE HOME 
"THE CASE OF SMYTH vs. SMITH," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1911 






Copyright 191 1 by The Penn Publishing Company 



The Depot Lunch Counter ,<^ «, n r» o -i 

. J 6 L OO 



The Depot Lunch-Counter 



CHARACTERS 

(In the order of their entrance') 

Flora Flip Who adorns the news stand 

Conductor With a voice of his own 

Pippins Manager of the lunch-counter 

Hist The Mysterious Detective 

Rube . . . An orphan boy (if anybody should ask you) 

U. B. Quick A passenger in a real hurry 

Two Male Passengers Who want lunch 

A Cripple Who stutters with his feet 

Moses. Slavinsky A peddler 

Biles Who stutters with his tongue 

A Deaf Man Who stutters with his ears 

Kronskippel Who was born Dutch 

A Widow But not defenseless 

Mamma's Boy Large for his size 

Pippins may double one Passenger and Kronskippel ; 
and Quick may double Cripple. Biles may double Boy. 
Moses may double Deaf Man. Conductor may double 
one Passenger. Arranged in this way the farce requires 
seven males and two females. It may also be played by 
nine males, if the cast includes a clever female impersonator 
for the part of Flora. 

Time of Playing : — Forty-five minutes (or about one 
hour, including specialties indicated). 



SYNOPSIS 

Pippins, the manager of a depot lunch-counter, advertises 
for a boy to attend to the counter. Rube, a country boy, 
takes the place. Flora Flip, who keeps the news stand, is 
interested in him from the start. Rube shows how fast he 
can wait on people. He has trouble with a stuttering man, 
a deaf man, a cripple, and some others. He gets even 
with a German who wants to sample the pie before buying 
it. Hist, the detective, slides in and out mysteriously at 
odd moments, and finally proves that Rube is the manager's 
long-lost son. Rube and Flora fall into each other's arms. 
The fun never stops for a moment. 



COSTUMES 



The costumes may be arranged to suit the taste of the 
actors, care being taken to make most of them exaggerated 
in style. Rube should have red hair, and may be dressed 
in country style. He wears waiter's apron. Flora should 
wear short skirt and apron. Pippins should wear a loud 
waistcoat and tie, and heavy jewelry. Hist, the detective, 
should have dark hair and mysterious appearance. He 
may put on a different sort of beard or moustache 
at each entrance, making them all look like obvious 
"disguises." Kronskippel should be stout. The Widow 
is stout, and wears black dress and bonnet. Mamma's Boy 
should be taller than the Conductor. He is dressed in an 
absurdly childish style. The Cripple is elderly, and well 
dressed, but has one foot in bandages, as though suffering 
with gout. 



PROPERTIES 

Cakes, sandwiches, slices of pie, large dinner bell, coffee 
urn (may be omitted), stools, bottles, cups, knives, forks, 
castors, loaves of bread, cane and ear trumpet for Deaf Man, 
crutches and bandages for foot of Cripple. Plenty of 
books, magazines, papers, bags of peanuts, and cigar boxes. 
One table, three chairs. Napkins, etc., on table. Benches 
for passengers, profile clock on wall, lots of placards as de- 
scribed. Railroad imitations off stage. If the clock (see 
description of scene) can be arranged so that the hands can 
be worked from behind scene and go around rapidly every 
time the Conductor enters, it will add to the fun. False 
hair, hairpins, chewing-gum, for Flora. Money for Pas- 
sengers, Moses and Cripple. Peddler's outfit for Moses. 
Duster and apron for Rube. Cards and false beard and 
wig for Hist. Valise and coat for Quick. Valises and 
packages for Passengers. Placard reading " Boy Wanted " 
for Pippins. Two buttons, hairpin, money for Kronskippel. 



SCENE PLOT 



ADvetT/SeMEHTS 



AOSCfP'UteH-rj 




Scene. — Railway lunch-room. Door in flat c, and en- 
trances also R. and L., as shown. Lunch-counter, stools, 
and sideboard (latter may be omitted) r. News stand L. 
Table and chairs down r. c. Benches against flat as shown 
(may be omitted). Landscape backing. Advertisements 
and placards, railway notices, etc., on walls, as shown. 
Clock on rear wall, to be arranged if possible so that hands 
can be worked rapidly from behind. 



The Depot Lunch-Counter 



SCENE. — A plain chamber with doors C, to represent the 
lunch or waiting-room of a railway depot. Over door is 
a placard ' ' To Trains. ' ' The doors may show landscape 
for backing. The lunch-counter is up a?id down stage 
r., with plenty of fruits, sandwiches, bags of peanuts, 
pies, bottles of catsup, knives, forks, plates and every- 
thing to indicate a railway lunch- counter. In front of 
this several high stools. Behind this counter is seen a 
sideboard or shelves with the coffee urn, plates, etc. On 
the walls are numerous placards announcing the refresh- 
ments, viz., "Pork and ," "Pig's Tootsies" 

"Bosom of Veal," " Ox's Narrative," " Hot Butter " 
"Knife and fork 10 cts. extra," " Don't go elsewhere to be 
poisoned — eat here," etc., etc. On the walls up stage 
are railway maps, time-tables, excursion placards, etc., 
also a clock — painted or practicable. {See Properties.} 

(At L. , there is a counter for a news stand and cigar case. 
Plenty of magazines, newspapers and periodicals are dis- 
played in front of and behind this news stand, which also 
shows candies and getter al items of a railway news stand 
and cigar counter combined. A cigar lighter may be at 
end of counter toward audience.) 

( Two tables, nicely dressed for diners, are at r. c. , with 
chairs at each table. These tables may have plates, forks, 
knives, water-bottles, menu cards, etc.) 

(At opening of scene, railroad imitations are heard of trains 
arriving and departing, bell, whistle, etc. These are 
repeated from time to time when Conductor enters.) 

(Music lively. Flora Flip, the girl at the news stand, is 
discovered arranging magazines, fixing her hair and 
humming. Conductor appears at door c. and shouts.) 

7 



8 THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 

Conductor. Trains for the west go west, and trains 
for the east go to the east. Trains for the north and south 
go out on the railroad tracks. A-l-1 aboard ! 

{Rushes out.) 

Flora. Gee, but that man's voice gets on my nerves. 
I'm going to ask the company to get a different conductor 
with a pleasant voice. How they can stand him I don't see. 
{Imitates Conductor.) Trains for Squedunk and Poketown. 
A-l-1-1 aboard ! 

(Still imitating Conductor, she rushes toward door c, and 
into the arms of Pippins, who is entering.) 

Pippins. Welcome, little stranger ! 

Flora (releasing herself, with dignity). Don't get gay, 
Mr. Pippins. That was just a slight pas de tout (pro- 
nounced "pa de too "). 

Pippins. Oh, was that it ? Well, I'll play Pa for you any 
day you like. Say, any boys turned up yet ? 

Flora. No. Did you advertise ? 

Pippins. Sure. Well, I guess I'll hang up the placard 
again. (Takes placard, " Boy Wanted" from counter ; 
and hangs it on the wall near door.) There, I hope we'll 
soon get somebody to look after this lunch-counter. 

Flora. Don't get a red-haired one. 

Pippins. Why not, little one ? (Smiles at her.) 

Flora (pertly). Because he wouldn't suit my com- 
plexion — Poppa! (Pippins pretends to wilt.) Say, haven't 
you a boy of your own you could put in here to learn the 
business ? 

Pippins (with melodramatic sadness). Alas, no ! Me 
only son was stolen from me when he was yet a boy. 

Flora. Oh, pickles, ain't that terrible? And you don't 
know where he is ? 

Pippins. No ; I have detectives on his trail, but so far 
he has never turned up. 

Flora. Why don't you hire Sherlock Holmes, or Ash- 
ton-Kirk, or one of those other big detectives? 

(Hist, the detective, glides in from l. Funny steps and 
mysterious antics as he grabs Pippins and Flora by the 
hands and brings them doiun c.) 



THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 9 

Hist. Sh ! Hush ! Not a word. I have a clue — I'm on 
the track. Wait ! Wait ! Any minute may be our next ! 

{More mysterious motions. Pitts finger to lips and run- 
ning around the tables he suddenly darts out r.) 

Flora. My, that man frightened me out of a year's 
growth. 

Pippins. I'll overtake him and find out more about that 
clue. This may be important. {Runs out r.) 

Flora. I'm getting startled so often that I'm sure I'll 
have nervous prostration if this keeps on. {Goes behind 
her counter as Rube, a country boy, appears door c. Rube 
looks at the sign ' ' Boy Wanted ' ' several times, then he 
takes it down and throws it off r., then takes off his 
hat and hangs it up. He takes feather duster and begins 
dusting pies •, cakes, etc.) Well, look who's here ! Wouldn't 
the nerve of that jar you ? Hello, Sunset. Who do you 
think you are? 

Rube {looking at her admiringly). Oh, hello, Peaches. 
Say, you look good to me. 

Flora. Well, I'm not going to be good to you. Take 
it/rom me. 

Rube. Aw, say. 

{Looks at her and smiles. Flora tries to be haughty, but 
breaks down and giggles.) 

Flora. My, but you're the sassy thing. Who are you, 
anyway? 

Rube. Oh, I'm the new lunch-counter boy. 

{Dusts pies, etc.) 

{Enter Pippins.) 

Pippins. Here, what are you doing at that lunch-counter ? 

Rube. You put a sign out at that door, "Boy Wanted," 
didn't you ? 

Pippins. Yes. 

Rube. Well, I'm him ! 

Pippins. I like your cheek. 

Rube. I like your face. I like the other help we have 
here {smiling at Flora) x and I think I'll like the place. 

{Gets long apron from behind counter and puts it on.) 



10 THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 

Pippins. Did you ever work behind a lunch-counter? 
Ever sell pies ? 

Rube. No. But I've eaten lots of them. Don't you 
worry about me, old man. I'm "it," every time ! 

Pippins. Well, can you talk and move fast? This busi- 
ness needs real action. 

Rube. Action ! Say, that's my speci-al-ity ! 

{Specialty here if desired ', by Rube, or Rube and Pippins.) 

Pippins. Well, I'll give you a trial. You'll see all the 
prices on the menu card. We have no cash register at 
present. 

Rube. You needn't be in a hurry about putting one in 
on my account. 

Pippins. I'll fix your salary when I know what you can 
do. What's your name? 

Rube. They call me Rube. 

Flora. Well, you look the part. 

Pippins. Where do you belong ? 

Rube. I don't belong anywhere. Got no parents, or 
home. I'm out hustling for myself. 

( While he talks he is constantly busy, straightening things 
up, putting pie on plates, etc., etc.) 

Pippins. You are an orphan ? 

Rube. I guess so. I used to live on Jones's farm, at 
Gooseberry Corners. Maybe I was brought up in an 
incubator. 

Flora. Maybe you were brought up in an elevator. 
You're certainly the busy little thing, ain't you? 

{She arranges her stock of papers, singing as she does so. ) 

Pippins. Well, start in at once ! I'll return shortly and 
see how you are getting along. 

{Exit r. Rube goes behind counter.) 

Rube {to Flora). Say, you remind me of a girl up in 
the country. She was a regular music-box. 

Flora. Oh, you mean she had a sweet voice ? 

Rube. Oh, no. She was just full of airs. 

Flora. Think you're smart, don't you? Say, I'll bet 
you don't know much — not even about the country ! 



THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER II 

Rube. Oh, don't I ? 

Flora. No, you don't. Why, there's those eggs. 
{Points to counter.) I'll bet you didn't notice they were all 
laid in the daytime. 

Rube (laughing). Aw, go 'way. Some of them weren't. 
What do you mean ? 

Flora. I mean not one of those eggs was laid at night. 

Rube. How can you prove it ? 

Flora. Why, chickens lay eggs only in the daytime. 
Because at night they're all roosters. 

Rube. Say, you're all right ! 

{Smiles at her. Same business as before, Flora looking 
haughty > then giggling.) 

Flora. Well, I guess you'll get along here. But haven't 
you any new ideas — anything that will help to sell things to 
eat? 

Rube. I know a college yell that will advertise the 
oysters. 

Flora. What is it ? 
Rube {loudly). 

Hoorah-ray ! Hoorah-roo ! 
Oysters, oysters, in a stew 
O-Y-S-T-E-R-S 
Oysters, Oysters 
Raw, Raw, Raw ! 

Flora {enthusiastically). That's the real thing. 

(Conductor appears at c. d., and shouts.) 

Conductor. Passengers for Ireland take the green cars 
on the Irish track. Passengers for Germany take the Sour- 
krout train on the Pretzel and Rousmit-'em railroad ! A-l-1 
aboard ! 

(Rube looks startled and finally throws a loaf of bread at 
him. Conductor dodges out.) 

Rube. Gee, Mame, they must keep that fellow out of 
here, or his voice will sour the milk. 

{Enter U. B. Quick, a passenger in a hurry. He dashes 
down his valise and coat a?id runs to counter. ) 

Quick. Hurry up and wait on me, young man. I've 



12 THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 

only got four minutes to eat and catch a train. I'm going 
to Pittsburg and I'm hungry. {Yells.') Hurry up! A 
slice of apple pie, a hard boiled egg, and a cup of coffee ! 
{Runs to c. D., as if looking for train and dashes back to 
counter.) Say, move lively and give me what I ordered ! 

Rube {moving leisurely). Fifty cents, please. 

Quick. Here you are ! 

Hands money. Rube takes money and moves about in slow 
manner, while the excited passenger is hopping around 
from counter to c. d., and back again, yelling " Hurry 
up / " and Rube going here and there as if looking for 
cups or the pie, etc. , Quick in great anger and frantic 
in his appeals and co?itortions, looking at the clock and Jus 
watch and running about. Clock hands go around 
rapidly. Finally Rube puts pie and coffee on table before 
Quick. Before he can eat or drink Conductor appears 
at door and shouts.) 

Conductor. All aboard for Pittsburg ! 

(Quick almost falls off chair. Rube takes coffee back to 
counter.) 

Quick. Here — I haven't had a mouthful. Where's my 
money ? 

Rube. What, the fifty cents ? Oh, that was payable in 
advance. 

Quick. It's an outrage. I'll arrest you. I'll sue the 
company. 

( Grabs up his valise. Bell heard off. Enter Conductor. ) 

Conductor. Hurry up, you'll miss the train. 

(Quick runs out c. d., followed by Conductor. Then 
Quick returns for his forgotten coat, and runs out for- 
getting his valise. Then returns for the valise. Con- 
ductor runs in each time after him bidding him " hurry." 
This business must be lively. Quick finally runs out, 
barely catching his train. Ru be laughs and takes the pie. ) 

Rube. Say, Evelina, did you notice that gentleman for- 
got to eat his pie ? {Laughs and takes bite out of pie.) 
Flora. My name's Flora — Flora Flip. 
Rube. You don't say? But nix on that last name ! 



THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 13 

Flora. Humph ! I like that. Why ? 

Rube. 'Cause you're going to change it soon to mine. 

Flora. Well, of all the sassy (Same business as 

before, smiles, etc.) Say, Reddy, if you expect to get on 
here you've got to move faster. People expect their food 
the same day they order it. See? This ain't no up- 
country hash-house, son. This is a railroad lunch-counter. 
Now take the bell and get out and hustle for trade. 

Rube (faking bell). What do I do with it? 

Flora. Why, ring it. 

Rube. All right. 

{Begins to ring it in her ears, circling around her.) 

Flora. Mercy, not in here. Ring it at the door, to 
draw in the passengers, and let them know lunch is ready. 

Rube. Uh-huh ! Just watch me ! (He rings bell 
violently out door c, and yells, " First call for luncheon in 
the dining car," " This way for lunch," etc. Enter Two 
Passengers with valises and packages. They throw their 
hats to Rube who catches them, and hangs them up.) 
Lunch, gentlemen? 

Passenger. Sure. Say, son, we're in a hurry, so chase 
yourself, and 

Rube. One dollar apiece, please. 

Passenger. Here you are ! 

(They hand him money. He at once gets very busy, pushes 
a chair under each Passenger with lightning speed, and 
tucks a napkin in each man's neck. Rushes behind 
counter, and brings pie, milk, etc. Rushes back and gets 
bread, knives, forks and plates, slams them down on table. 
Then dashes back, gets plate of soup, with very large 
spoon and puts it before o?ie man and slaps him o?i the 
back as the man eats, causing him to spurt it out and 
choke. ) 

Rube. Take your time, gents, take your time. Bread, 
sir? Yes, sir. {Hands bread.) No hurry. Train leaves 
in three seconds. Hat, sir ? Yes, sir. (Brings their hats, 
claps them on their heads, pulls off napkins, puts valise in 
one Passenger's hand and pushes both out c. d. Flora 
stands looki?ig at him in amazement. Rube throws the re- 
maining valise and packages out the door, walks back to 
counter and leans back against it.) Oh, I don't know ! 



14 THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 

Flora {admiringly). Say, you're a hustler ! 
Rube. Well, Bright Eyes, when I want to, I can go 
some. 

{Takes belly but before he can ring it Hist appears mysteri- 
ously from behind lunch- counter, r.) 

Hist {gliding down to a). S-s-h ! Not a word ! 

Rube {surprised). Hello. Welcome to our city. Have 
some pie. Have a sandwich. Nice cake, and 

Hist {mysteriously). Young man, beware. My eye is 
on you. 

Rube {nervously, as he looks down at his own shoulders, 
pretending to pick things off his sleeves, etc.). You don't 
say? Well, take it off me, will you ? I've only got this one 
suit. 

Hist {looking about r. and l.). Are we alone? (Rube 
follows him about, imitating him. They come down C.) 
Young man, you are going to make a noise in the world. A 
loud noise. 

Rube. Sure I am. {Suddenly rings bell, which he has 
been carrying. Hist jumps and exits hurriedly CD. Rube 
goes up, shouting, " This way for lunch, 11 etc. Enter 
Cripple, c. d., on crutches. Rube retreats before him.) 
Hey ! This isn't the hospital. 

(Cripple sits at table.) 

Flora. Newspapers? Magazines? Nobody's maga- 
zine — just in ! Somebody's magazine — just out ! Cigars, 
sir? Chewing-gum? 

Cripple. Don't want any. 

{He puts his crutches on the table. Rube removes them.) 

Rube. Please take your feet off the table. 

Cripple. Give me a beefsteak smothered in onions. 
(Rube runs behind counter and yells, as if to a cook, off r., 

(i Pork and ") I don't want pork and beans, I want 

beefsteak and onions, two fried eggs, French fried potatoes, 
stewed celery, sliced tomatoes and pickled beets. 

Rube. You can order what you like, but all you'll get is 
pork and beans. {Fixes stuff on plate and brings it to 
Cripple.) One dollar, please, and ten cents extra for a 
fork. 



THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 1 5 

Cripple. I want what I ordered. 

Rube. Now, why waste valuable time telling me what 
you'd like to eat? There's your lunch. Get busy. One 
dollar and ten cents, please. 

(Cripple pays money and begins to eat. Conductor 
appears at door c.) 

Conductor. All aboard for trains going to Oompah ! 
Wumpooah ! and O-o-mpah. 

(Rube catches up a sandwich and is about to throw it, when 
Conductor skips out c. Rube rings the bell and Moses 
Slavinsky enters with peddler's outfit as Rube shouts, 
11 This way, sir.") 

Moses (smiling cheerfully). Collar-buttons, shoe-strings, 
neckties and suspenders? (To Flora.) Pins, lady — 
ribbons ? 

Flora (imitating his motions). Newspapers? Maga- 
zines? Buy the new "Ladies' Home Disturber" for your 
wife. 

Rube (also imitating his motions). Pies? Cakes? 
Take home a fry in a box ? 

Moses (smiling). Nothing doing — hey? 

Rube. We're too busy to buy here. But we can sell 
you a couple of yards of sandwich. How about a dozen 
nice fresh pork and beans ? 

Moses. Say, von't you gif me a little bite of somethings 
for nothings? 

Rube. Not a bite ! 

Moses. Shust a bite, mine friend ! 

Rube. Look here. Did you see that dog outside the 
door? 

Moses (nervously looking around). Yes. 

Rube. Well, we keep him there so that tramps and 
bums can get a bite outside without interfering with our 
regular trade. See ? 

Moses (smiling). Oh, veil, I guess I have to buy some- 
things, then. 

Rube. Now you're talking business. What'll you have ? 

Moses. How much for a sandwich ? 

Rube. These are ten cents. These over here ai^e last 
week's — three cents. 



l6 THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 

Moses. All right — I'll take a bargain sandwich ! (Pays 
money and takes sandwich, and tries to chew it.) Oh ! 
Have you got a hatchet so 1 can break the bread ? 

Rube. Don't bother me when I'm busy. 

(Moses tries to chew the sandwich ad lib. grimaces and 
twists himself into queer positions.) 

Moses. I can't bite this. Vot iss it ? 

Flora. Oh, my goodness. You gave him the sample 
sandwich ! 

Rube. So I did. (He takes sandwich from Moses and 
lets it drop. Loud crash as it hits the floor.) Well, 
wouldn't that jar you? Here, try this. 

(Hands second sandwich po Moses, who bites into it.) 

Moses (choking). Oh, I'm choking ! 

Cripple. My goodness, the man's dying ! Let me out 
of here. Give him some water. 

Rube (as he and Flora slap Moses on the back). What's 
the matter ? 

Moses. I swallered some of my collar buttons. 

Flora. Oh, is that all? Well, swallow a handful of 
buttonholes and you'll be all right. 

Moses. Thank you, lady. I feel better. Vot kind of 
a sandwich iss this? 

Rube. That ? Oh, that's a ham sandwich ! 

Moses. Oh, Rebecca and Abraham, I'm poisoned ! 
(Spits it out ad lib., and crosses to news stand.) Have you 
got a Hebrew paper ? 

Flora. No. Are you especially stuck on the Hebrew 
paper ? 

Moses. Yes, miss. 

Flora. Well, I'll sell you a sheet of fly-paper, and 
you'll be stuck on that. 

Moses. I guess I don'd vant any. (To Flora.) Want 
to buy any hairpins, stick-pins, scarf-pins, tenpins, side- 
combs ? (Flora shakes her head at each offer.) Powder 
puffs? (Flora looks interested.) Hair goods? Nice 
puffs (holding up false hair), curls, ringlets, braids, rolls, 
rats. 

Cripple. Rats! Where, where? Dear me, let me out 
of here,. (Runs out c. d., without his crutches, and in again 
immediately.) Didn't I forget something? 



THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 1 7 

Rube. Here's your feet. 
Cripple. Oh, thanks. 

{Adjusts crutches, and hobbles out painfully \) 

Moses (Jo Flora, who has been looking at puffs, etc.}. 
Buy a little hair, lady. Very cheap. 

Flora. Oh, I don't know. [Takes hairpins and puffs 
from Moses' tray, and pins puffs on.) How do I look? 

Rube. You're a dream, Claribel. With all thy false 
(pointing to her hair) I love thee still. 

Moses. Buy a coronet braid, lady. (Holds up braid.) 
Fine. Cheap. Only sixteen cents ! 

Flora (taking it). Oh, I don't know. 

Rube. Sure, buy it, Isabel. When you get tired of it 
we can use it in the soup. 

{Business of pretending to take a hair out of a plate on the 

table.) 

Flora. All right. I'll take it. (Pins on braid.) Got 
any curls? 

Moses. Sure. {Holds up curls. Flora pins them on.) 
My, my, you vas svell. You look like you growed on them 
— I mean they growed on you. 

(Hist, the detective, suddenly jumps up from behind news 
stand, l., and glides down Q..) . 

Hist. Tis false. 

Flora. Sir ! What is false ? 

Hist. The rumor that Pippins' son is found ! But I am 
on his trail. I — Sherlock Hist, the boy detective ! Light 
sleuthing done and divorces secured with neatness and 
despatch. I work for our best families. Allow me. 

{Hands cards around rapidly and exit, r.) 

Moses (frightened). Mein gracious ! Who vas dat 
feller ? Pay me my money and let me oudt of here — quick. 

Flora (pointing to hair). How much for the lot? 

Moses. Ninety-eight cents. 

Flora. Here you are. (Pays him.) Now this is all 
my own hair. 

(Moses rushes up to door c, and collides with Biles, the 
stuttering man, who is entering. 



l8 THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 

Biles {stuttering). Look — out — where — you're — g-g- 
going ! (Comes down to table.) W-w-waiter ! 

Rube {coming to him). What do you want? 

Biles {stuttering). I — w-w-w-want — the — b-b-bill — of 
— f-f fare. 

Rube. Hurry up and talk ! What is it you want ? 

Biles {stuttering). The — bill — of — f-f- fare. 

Rube {stuttering). Ain't g-g-got — any. We're j-j-just 
out of it. Blamed if he hasn't got me stuttering, too. 

Flora. He w-w-w-wants the bill of f-f-fare. Tell him 
to order p-p-pork and b-b-beans or get out. 

Rube. All we've got is pork and beans — order that or 
get out. 

Biles. All r-r-right, g-give me that. 

(Rube goes behind counter as Deaf Man enters door c, 
comes down and sits at same table with Biles, knocks on 
table with his cane.) 

Flora. Here ! Make less noise over there. This isn't 
a boiler factory. 

(Rube comes to Deaf Man, who puts speaking-trumpet to 
his ear.) 

Rube. What do you want ? 

(Deaf Man' motions to Rube to shout into trumpet.) 

Flora. He wants you to talk into the megaphone. 

Rube {shouting in horn). Say — what do you want? 
(Then louder.) What do you want? (Pauses and then 
yells.) What — do — you — want? 

Deaf Man. Oh — yes, — been very warm ! 

Flora. Speak up, so the gentleman can hear you ! 

Rube (roaring into horn). What — do — you — want — to 
— eat? (Deaf Man nods.) 

Deaf Man. A little closer to the 'phone, please. 

Rube (bracing himself). What — do — you — want? 
(Deaf Man shakes his head, then Rube speaks to Biles.) 
What does this fellow want, anyway? 

Biles (stuttering). He — w-w- wants — s-s-something — to 
— eat. 

Rube (to Flora ; leaning over table r., he shouts at the 
top of his voice, and also stutters. She does the same in 



THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 19 

replying and leans over table l.). S-s-say, G-Geraldine, 
these f-fello\vs have g-got me g-g-going. 

Flora (shouting). Don't s-s-shout at me. I ain't 
d-d-deaf. (Biles is frightened and runs out c. d. folloiued 
by Deaf Man. Rube and Flora run up after them. 
Flora still shouts.) Now you've done it. Driving away — 
{suddenly comes down to natural voice) all the customers. 

Rube. Oh, good riddance. {Throws himself into chair, 
down r. c, and fans himself with his apron.) This place 
has Gooseberry Corners faded to a frazzle for excitement. 
My nerves are all gone. Say, Babette 

Flora. You mean Flora. 

Rube. Oh, yes, Flora. Say — -soothe me to sleep, won't 
you? Read me the (name of local paper). Can't you do 
something amusing ? 

Flora. Sure, I can. 

(Specialty, during which Hist enters r., and sits down R. 
Rube and Flora do not see him enter.) 

Rube (at end of specialty). That's great, Gwendolyn — 
I mean Flora. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't stay here 

a (Sees Hist.) Why, hello, Willy! Want lunch? 

No ? Then run home to mamma ! 

Hist (removing false beard). I am Hist, the detective. 

Flora. I didn't see you come in. 

Hist. It's a habit I have. (Rises.) Beware. The 
time is not yet. 

(Tiptoes with exaggerated air of mystery up l. Rube and 
Flora follow him, also on tiptoe. Exit Hist, l., and the 
others come down.) 

(Enter Kronskippel, c. d.) 

Rube. Wie gent's. Germany. Come in. 

(They lead him over to counter. Rube takes off Krons- 
kippel's hat and lays it on end of coimtcr.) 

Flora. We're just out of sourkrout. What will you 
have ? Want a paper ? Full account of the (name some 
recent event of local interest). 

Kronskippel. I vant a nize piece of abble pie. 

Rube. Say, 1 don't know one kind of pie from another. 
Pick it out for yourself. Ten cents, please ! (Kronskippel 



20 THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 

pays money, takes a large bite out of a slice of pie, and 
hands the rest of the slice to Rube, who looks at it critic- 
ally.} Is it apple pie? (Kronskippel shakes his head, 
and seizes another piece. Rube drops the piece he holds 
into Kronskippel' s hat. He may drop it behind counter, 
but it must appear to go in hat.) Is that apple pie? 

Kronskippel {taking from mouth two buttons and a 
hairpin). No, I guess dot vas peach pie already. {Bites 
i?ito several more slices, Rube asking questions and drop- 
ping pieces into the hat.) Veil, I guess I don't vant abble 
pie. I vant vat you call dose mince pie — yes? 

Rube. All right — here you are. {Puts hat on Krons- 
kippel' s head, and crushes it down.) Now, that's mince 
pie ! 

Kronskippel {wildly). Oh, mein prains is mixed mit 
dem fifty-seven varieties already. Help ! 

{He rushes out c. d., jumping over Hist, the detective, who 
is crawling in through c. d. Hist enters, rises, goes to 
Rube and Flora and leads them down c.) 

Hist. S-s-h ! — I have news of the greatest importance. 
Young man, your name is Reuben. 

{Looks around cautiously, and takes off beard.) 

Rube. Say, old sport, how did you guess it? 

Hist. I am Hist — the detective. I come high, but they 
must have me. S-s-h. I am a specialist. {Specialty by 
Hist, if desired.) Young man, did you not live with the 
late Farmer Jones, of Gooseberry Corners ? 

Rube. The late Farmer Jones ? Is he dead ? 

Hist. Yes. The sad news seems to shock you. 

Rube. It does. It does. He owed me four dollars and 
nineteen cents back wages. 

Hist {taking Rube's hand). S-s-h! Not a word. My 
dear young friend, your fortune is made. I have made it. 

Rube. Well, well. Flora, what do you think of that? 
Say, old man, could you lend me a little something — say 
ten dollars — on account ? 

Hist. Be patient. All shall be revealed in good time. 
{Puts on false beard and wig.) S-s-h ! {Tiptoes off l.) 

Flora. Say, I'm going to do something horrid to that 
man before long. He's no lady. 

{Enter Pippins, r.) 



THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 21 

Pippins. Well, how are you getting on ? 

Rube. Splendid ! You'll be a bankrupt before night. 
I've had a run on pies. 

Pippins. Go into the cold storage room and get some of 
those third grade eggs. There's a picnic party coming on 
the next train. 

Rube. All right. You look after the apple pie depart- 
ment. (Exit, r.) 

{Enter Hist, L.) 

Hist. One moment, Mr. Pippins. Our office has been 
in search of the boy you lost years ago. 

Pippins. Oh ! You have news ? You are on that case ? 

Hist. Yes, I'm working on that case. I find that the 
child was sent West from an orphan asylum — taken by a 
farmer called John Jones, and — pardon me a moment. {Slips 
out l. While this is going on Moses enters c. d., gathers 
up pies and cakes and goes out c. d., Flora screaming and 
trying to call Pippins' attention to the theft. Pippins ru?is 
out c. d. to overtake Moses. Hist returns l.) S-s-h ! 
That may be the long lost son. I'm on his track ! 

{Skips out C. d., as Rube enters r. and goes up and rings 
the bell.) 

{Enter Widow with Mamma's Boy, c. d.) 

Widow {to Rube). Young man, you don't look religious 
to me. Are you a Methodist or a Baptist ? 

Rube. No, ma'am. I'm a Democrat. 

Widow. Do you keep the commandments ? 

Rube {briskly). Oh, yes, ma'am. We keep everything 
like that. How will you have them — hot or cold ? 

Widow. Don't you get gay with me, young feller. 

(Boy makes a dash toward counter and Rube grabs him.) 

Rube. Confound that kid ! 

Widow. And don't you swear before me, young man ! 
Rube. Oh, excuse me; I didn't know you wanted to 
swear first. 
Widow. Sir ! 
Boy. Oh, Ma ! Look at the peanuts ! 

{He eludes Rube, rushes for counter ; and climbs up to get 



22 THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 

a bag of peanuts. Rube has trouble taking bag from 
him. The overgrown boy cries bitterly and calls for his 
" mamma ," who wipes his nose and tries to pacify him. 
Rube wants to put Boy out, but Widow threate?is him.) 

Widow. Coward, would you strike a che-ild? Don't 
put your hands on that baby. 

Conductor {at door). Train for the orphan asylum — 
all aboard ! Orphan asylum, lady ? 

Widow. Orphan asylum, indeed ? 

{Threatens him with umbrella.) 

Conductor (backing away). Well, really, madam, I 
thought 

Widow. I want you to understand that my poor dear 
dead husband never dared talk back to me, and neither can 
you. Hit him, baby, hit him for mamma ! 

(Boy hits and kicks Conductor, while Widow hits him 
with umbrella. All three exeunt, c. d. Rube follows 
them, ringing bell.) 

(Enter Pippins and Hist, c. d.) 

Rube. Gee, that was awful ! Say, Mr. Pippins, this 
place is too exciting for me. My nerves are weak. I'm 
discharged. No more of this for me. Hang out your sign 
for another boy. 

Hist. Stop ! I have trailed you here. The secret is 
out. You are this man's long lost son ! 

(Rube jumps into Pippins' arms.) 

Rube. Me father ! (Funny embrace.) 

Pippins (with mock emotion). My boy, my boy ! 

(Rube goes to Flora, while Pippins goes to Hist.) 

Flora. Oh, Rube, ain't it grand? 

Rube. Well, a depot lunch-counter ain't much of an 
ancestral inheritance, Angelina — I mean Flora, but I've got 
you, anyway. 

(She falls into his arms. Her face appears over his shoul- 
der. She is still chewing gum.) 

Flora. Oh, you Rube ! 



THE DEPOT LUNCH-COUNTER 23 

Pippins (to Hist). Say, honest now, is that (pointing 
to Rube) the best you could do for the money ? 

Hist. Well, you know I rather favored the peddler for 
the long lost son, but you wouldn't stand for it. 

Pippins. That's so. Well, it might be worse ! (Crosses 
to Rube and Flora.) Bless you, my children ! 

Flora. Oh, you Poppa ! 

Pippins (taking bell and ringing it at c. d.). Let's 
celebrate ! Come in, everybody ! Free, all free S It's on 
me ! Come in and help yourselves, good people, to any- 
thing on the Depot Lunch- Counter ! 

(Music. All the characters enter, pushing and cheering. 
Pippins joins the. hands of Flora and Rube, and spreads 
his hands over their heads. Moses and Boy grab food 
from counter and sit down r. and l., eating it hastily.') 



curtain 




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